Some people get tired of faking a smile and pretending everything is okay for so long. They are tired of that feeling they are dealing with. We all can only handle so much. We all find a way to take the pain away. Some of us do it in a healthy way (screaming, exercising, listening to music, etc.) While others do turn to a self-destructive way (cutting, burning, drugs, alcohol, etc). What is your way?
I recently started to cut myself again. I don’t go crazy with the cutting that covers up my body parts up. If you type in “cutting Tumblr” in Google search, you will find images of arms & thighs full of cuts. I like the pain I get out of it. I do it to punish myself sometimes. I hate myself sometimes. . . or maybe all the time. I don’t have any good friends to be silly with & hang out with. Loneliness kills. It’s hard to trust people these days. I usually come across people with their mouths full of lies. I thought I had some friends, but I am usually the one who does the most talking & asking questions. They never talk to me unless I talk to them first online. It really sucks. I can only handle being alone for so long.
I think about suicidal thoughts almost every day, for the last month or so. I want to end my life. As much as I would like to live as long as I can & experience many things like meeting my soulmate, getting married, see the world more, etc, I’m tired of this feeling.
Couple weekends ago, when my parents left the house for about 5 hours, I was home alone. I really cried hard. It was one of the worst cries I had. Yelling out loud, “I can’t take this more.” and “I want to be happy.” I had a razor blade in my hand & I put it against my throat. I was thinking about slitting my throat. I put the blade down & continue to cry.
Today I cut my wrists a little for the first time. It’s not bad cuts. Just little minor cuts. I don’t know how can people cut their wrists. It stings more. It can get affected easy. I probably will avoid cutting my wrists. It’s not a good place to cut & it’s hard to hide it during the summertime anyways.
I don’t want to tell my parents how I feel. I don’t have a good relationship with them when it comes to feeling like this. They will make it worse. Whenever we get in fights, they never care how I feel. I never feel good. They won’t have a solution but they will go against me. I tell them how I feel. I say stuff like “You don’t listen.” They don’t fucking care. When a person says that, maybe they feel like they are not trying to understand how they feel. So I try to be strong in front of them & act like I’m doing alright.
I don’t have a person to turn to & talk to without judging me. No one cares how I feel. I decided to write it out on this blog instead. This is part of it. I may continue to post how I feel. Who knows, it may help me.
KEEP THIS IN MIND…..
DON’T say you understand how a person feels. You don’t. You don’t know how they really feel like. You don’t know what is going through their mind. DON’T call the person, “emo” or “weak” or any other negative things. It may make them feel worse. They may end up cutting more, etc.. It would be a good idea not to try to bring the person down. DON’T tell them to snap out of it & be happy. Depression can be hard to overcome. That is like cutting yourself & someone telling you to stop bleeding.